i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
