My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
