Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
