chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
