remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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