god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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