When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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