I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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