She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
