you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
