Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
