I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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