On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
