I will die if light touches me.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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