Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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