I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
