I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
