I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Boobs are out for the taking
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
