It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
