I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
