Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
