i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
