i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
