I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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