so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
