i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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