I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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