i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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