he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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