I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
