Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
