Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
