I'm going to jail i love you
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
