phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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