dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
