P.S. I can't hear my feet
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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