your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Terrible idea I love it
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
