Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
