At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
