i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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