The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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