My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
