god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
