If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
