haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
