why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You may now shotgun with the bride
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
