i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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