whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
