I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
