Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
