have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
